I hardly think I'm qualified,

To come across all sanctified.

I just don't cut it with the cherubim,

Being worshipped is a breeze.

I barely know the words to any hymn.

       Why do I always come across as the bad guy?  Doesn't anyone understand how tough it is to be me?!  You think it's easy being a God?!  Please.  You mortals have no idea how good you have it compared to me!

       So, stop with the whining already!  

       She killed Buffy...

       She tortured Spike...

       She brainsucked  Tara...

       Blah, blah, blah!

It's tough to be a God!

Tread where mortals have not trod.

Be defied when really you're a sham.

Be an object of devotion,

Be the subject of psalms.

It's a terrifying notion,

All those prayers and those Salaams.

Any normal man would bridle

If he's forced to be an idol.

       It's tough being Glorificus...magnificent Hell Goddess.  No one understands my pain.  You see...all I wanted to do was go home.  A simple little wish, you'd think...right?

       WRONG!

       At every turn...there she was...Mousy the Vampire Slayer...ruining everything for me!  I played nice, really I did.  I wasn't even gonna kill her for stealing my monk.  I was going to let those pore-y demons do it...but that's besides the point.

       And to make things worse, my worser half, Ben...cuddly, gentle Ben...TURNED against me!  ME!  The very reason for his existance!  I gave him everything!

       Do you really think he could afford medical school?  Uh-uh...I don't think so!  That was all me!  I let him have a life when I wasn't using our mutual body...and does he appreciate it?

       Of course not!  He turned against me...stabbed my favorite minion!  At least he came through in the end, or he'd have been in BIG trouble!

       But still...cause of his lack of cooperation before, everything was screwed up!

       God...and that was only a small extent of my problems.

Can't you see I won't relax,

If religious maniacs

Tell me I'm all powerful and sublime.

How can I be their belief,

When I'm lying through my teeth,

Why don't we just say some other time.

       What about all the people I brain sucked, you ask?  

       Okay, people, it's called survival of the fittest!  I don't see ya whining and crying when the lion takes down the antelope on the Discovery Channel!

       Okay...simple fact of my life...I need fresh, healthy brains to suck...and it's not like it kills them!  It only makes them insane...but hey, at least they're alive, right?  Not like stupid vampires who kill the people they have to feed from, right?

       Oh...which brings me to Precious...

       So, I tortured him...but you heard him!  He was making fun of me...and my ass is not LOPSIDED!  And please...you did see his hair, right?  I mean...jeez...the guy could run a comb through it once in a while...and not bleach it with all those harsh chemicals.  Hmm...but it was still nice and soft when I touched it...must be a vampire thing.

       And besides his fashion sense...or lack of, as it were...he's a vampire!  He's supposed to be evil and all on my side!  What is the deal with him protecting the Slayer?  What a freak!  

       And plus, didn't you guys even pay attention last year?!  He tortured that guy with the icky hair.  Did ya bitch then?!  NO!  And what about the thousands of people he's killed?  Do you bitch about that?!  NO!  All of a sudden, I give him a little payback...and he's the victim?!  I don't think so!

       God!  You people are sooo hypocritical!  And you were so itching for him to be offed before!  Oh...cause he's all piney and whiny for Mousy, you like him?  Christ...I hope you people never have kids.  You're stupid.  And those clothes you're wearing?  The Gap?  Ew.

       Hmmphhh...now on to the Lover's girl.  Ya know...I thought she was my Key...I got upset...when I get upset, I get hungry...like every other girl on the planet.  Is it my fault if my 'chocolate' of choice is brain?  Would you have preferred if I brainsucked one of the innocent bystanders at the fair?

       No...I didn't think so!  You're all upset just cause it was Tara...right, that makes sense!  You people sure are hard to please!  Can't do anything right, can I?

       Oh...and that witch-bitch ruined my favorite dress!  I mean...come on!  Who throws glass at people?!  That's so low.  I cannot even belief I had to put up with these people!  They're sooo below my station.

       And my Key...

       Oh...my Key...the whole point of this entire escapade.  The only way for me to get home to my warm hell fires.  My salvation!  My whole life rested on finding my Key and getting home!

       Doesn't everyone want to go home?  I did.  No one understands that!

       Oh...the Key was Buffy's sister...whine, whine whine...

       Like it's my fault the monks gave her a human form! Dumb bastards.  If I were them, I woulda made the Key...a pencil or something.  Or my green earring, which I still can't find, dammit.  Or housekeys...no one can ever find their house keys!  

       But they didn't...maybe it has something to do with their celibacy...being without women makes men stupider.  It's a proven fact.  

       Look at Precious.  If he was smart, he would have told me where my Key was right away, and I wouldn't have had to slice him all up and get blood on my favorite rug!

       If Mousy had any brains at all, she would have given up the Key and avoided this whole frasco all together.  Blip...I'm home, out of her life, no more brain-sucking the populace...sure, the world would've become hell...details...details.  Bored now.

       Oh, and for the record...I did not KILL Buffy!  So stop your bitching!  Did I tell her to jump into the damn portal?!  NO!  Did I cut up Dawny?!  NO!  So...please...tell me exactly...how this is my fault?!

       Oh...and you wanna talk death?  Pathetic much?!  I was killed by a middle-aged, near-sighted man who gets knocked unconcious every other day!  And I was beaten with a hammer!  OW!  

       Have you ever been beaten by a hammer?!  No!  I didn't think so!  It's painful, I can tell you that freakin' much!  

       As you can see...I'm the real victim here!  Not Dawny, Mousy, Precious or even Ben!  It's me!  I was the one who was punished for just wanting to go home, dammit!  

       I deserve the pity, not them!  

       So...that's my side of the story, and I'm sticking to it!  

It's tough to be a God,

But if you get the people' s nod,

Count your blessings,

Keep them sweet is my advice.

Be Nirvana to Salvation

Be all things to all men.

Butter up your congregation.

Every Sunday score a ten.

Or the alternative is dire.

Simply frying pan to fire.

The End

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