For the crown of our life as it closes,

Is darkness, the fruit there of dust;

No thorns go as deep as the rose's,

And love is more cruel then lust.

Time turns the old days to derision,

Our loves into corpses or wives;

And marriage and death and division,

Make barren our lives.

-Algernon Charles Swinburne-Dolores-

       Spike set down his pen, staring down at the pages before him, swallowing heavily.  His pale cheeks were stained with rivulets of blood, from his constant tears.

       He knew, eventually, it would happen.  There was no denying fate or the inevitable.

       But why now?  Why so bloody soon...?

       He sealed the last letter slowly, then wrote Anya's name on it in his fine script, choking back another bout of tears that threatened to burst from him.

       He had cried enough for a week.

       A week...barely a week...

       It felt like it had been a hundred, no...a thousand years...

       He slowly stood, gathering up the letters and setting them on his TV.  He didn't think anyone would find them...if they even missed him to begin with.

       He doubted they would.

       He stared down at the letters, sighing heavily before pocketing one.  That one was coming with him.

       He slowly trudged out of his crypt and made his way across the cemetery.  Despite living so close, he hadn't been to...it since he had watched the funeral from his car, unable to go out and mourn with the rest in the mid-day sun.

       I am beneath her...I didn't deserve her!

       He paused before her tombstone, feeling the tears well up again, but made no effort to stop them this time.  They poured freely down his face as he lifted his eyes upwards.  If I had moved faster...or fought harder...

       He shuddered, drawing his duster closer around him as he crouched down, resting his hand against her name carved into the cold stone.  Buffy Anne Summers...beloved sister...devoted friend...she saved the world.  Alot...

       A simple inscription for a complicated girl.

       "I'm so sorry, luv," He murmured softly, closing his eyes as he rocked on his heels, "I'm so goddamn sorry...I failed...I was supposed to protect her...but I failed...and you had to pay for it...oh God..."  He covered his face with his hands, feeling as if someone was tearing his heart out with their bare hand.

       She did...she did and didn't even know it...he tried to squelch his sobs.  He didn't think he had much time, and he needed to tell her some things.

       He swallowed heavily, his eyes still closed as he fought to regain control.  He had never been in this much pain before.  Not when Cecily had rejected him...not even when Dru dumped him.  They couldn't even come close to the heartbreak he was experiencing now.

       His hands closed on the sides of her tombstone as he sobbed, gripping it like a lifeline that was failing him.

       "You told me...to protect her...and I promised..."  He shook his head, "God, Buffy...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...he got the best of me...I didn't try hard enough..."

       He could still remember the look of fear in Dawn's eyes, the way she had called his name as he fell.  Buffy was willing to give up everything for her, the world...her life...and he had let the old demon get the best of him.

       He failed, there was no way around it...the first time she placed that much trust in him, that much responsibility...he failed her.

       With shaking hands he tore open the letter he had written, the words slightly smeared with the blood he had cried as he wrote it.

       His usually strong voice cracked as he began to read from the ruffled pages.

       The first time I saw you, you were dancing at the Bronze with your friends.  You were so bloody beautiful, pet.  A combination of innocence, purity and sensuality.  You were death herself to me and my kind, but you still had a bright light that didn't seem like it could ever be extinguished.

       I saw you as more then a Slayer, but then, I was blind.  I only wanted to kill you and wait for the next Slayer to show up.  You were a way to further my reputation.

       But when we fought...you were more then a Slayer.  You weren't like the others.  You weren't dead or cold to the world.  You were smart, witty and funny and so bloody beautiful.  I thought nothing could hurt you, even though I tried my damnedest...remember that one Halloween?  I was so close...

       You made me sick that night...the way you simpered and cried...I wanted to kill you just because you were so weak and pathetic.  But then you bounced back, and kicked my ass with a perky 'Hi Honey, I'm home.'

       Nothing could keep you down.  At least that was what I thought.  Then the great poof went and lost his soul, ruining both our lives, then making us team up against him.

       I was so angry about the way he had taken Dru from me...but maybe it wasn't just him.  Drusilla could always see into me better then anyone else I knew.  When we broke up in Brazil the second time, she told me I was covered with you.  That she could see you floating around me, laughing.

       She asked me why I couldn't kill you.

       Honestly, I couldn't answer her.  We fought so many times...but we never could kill each other.

       I think I fell in love with you during the time when Peaches was making both our lives hell.  You had to be so strong to go up against him...and finally send him to hell after he had regained his soul.  To save the world.

       You are my world, pet.

       It's empty and dark here...without you, or your light.  It's silent here now.  The world is black without your laughter or your witty come-backs...I would give my life to hear you call me fang-breath again.

There's beauty in the silver singing river,

There's beauty in the sunrise in the sky,

But none of these and nothing else can match the beauty

That I remember in my true love's eyes.

-Bob Dylan-Tomorrow is a Long Time-

       You're strong, Buffy.  This only proves it.  You knew what had to be done and did it...but you only had to do it because I screwed up.   I should have moved faster, fought harder...I should have been there, dammit!  I should have stopped him before he could hurt her!  

       You asked me to watch her...to protect her...and I promised till the end of the world...but I didn't.  I let him get past me...I let him toss me over the side...

       Dawn was so bloody frightened...her eyes were huge...I wish the fall had killed me...it would have been merciful...

       All this year...I watched you hurt and grow and love, Slayer.  I watched the way you tried to love soldier-boy, and I watched the way you tried to protect your mum and little sis.  

       I know you cried...I know it hurt you when he left...and when your mum got sick.  I know you probably felt like quitting when your mum died...and I miss her too, pet...I loved her in my own way, although I don't think you would have really believed it...not right now...but maybe...if we had more time...you would have learned.

       Maybe...

       The preacher didn't know a thing about you...he tried to talk about how brave you were, how beautiful...but he didn't know shit!  You were just another someone he was burying...he never knew you!  Not the real you!

       You are the Slayer!  You defied all natural law and loved a vampire with your entire soul and being, and came away with scars that would never heal.  Scars that your friends or your Watcher couldn't see...but I could.  You wore them though, like a badge...of how strong you were.  Of the way you were able to carry on, even after that.

       You're beautiful, but not just physically.  You were beautiful when you fought, pet, with your passion and cocky attitude.  The way you moved was like pure poetry...not the crap I wrote either, true poetry.  Smooth, flowing and beautiful.  

       You were a warrior.  You fought every battle, never stopping till you won.  No matter what, you would win, at all costs.  You lost friends and family along the way, but you didn't let them die in vain.  You stopped the world from ending so many times, I lost count.  

       You're unsung.  No newspaper will carry your story, saying that you died saving the world, using your blood and body to close a dimensional portal.  No one will say that you kept the world from being sucked into hell, or that you stopped an Ascension, or that you fried a snake-boy with fire...Willow told me about tha &nby the way.

       But you will not be forgotten, Slayer.  Not by me...not by the nibblet or your friends or by Peaches...we'll all remember you, and we'll mourn for you and we'll cry for you.  I know I did.

       Sometimes, I remember the spell the witch did...and you loved me and I loved you...and we were happy.  Did you know that was the first time I truly saw you happy?  You were laughing and smiling and kissing me, your soft lips caressing mine.

       We coulda had that, Slayer...I would have made you happy...I would have been everything you needed.  You were my everything, my world...my soul.  I meant it when I said I could change...that I could have been good.  If the chip had come out, I would have stayed...you probably would've staked me five minutes later, but I would have stayed with you.

       I love you, Buffy.  I know you'll never love me...you can't...not now...but I could've at least have been there for you...Christ.  I tried, I swear I did...but I...failed.  I never wanted to fail you, love, I know how much the nibblet meant to you and I should have died before they got to her.  I should have damned well taken the old wanker with me...

       I failed.

       It's my fault you're gone...and I never wanted it to be like that...I never wanted you to die...it's not a good day.  It'll never be *my* good day.  Not anymore...not ever...now that you're gone...

       I love you, Buffy.  Never doubt that.

       Spike slowly lifted his head, folding the letter and settling it against her headstone.  He swiped at his tears, his throat sore from his reading aloud.  He looked up at the sky as he lay on her grave, whispering quietly, "It's goin' to be a beautiful mornin', luv..."

Life it seems, will fade away,

Drifting further every day.

Getting lost within myself,

Nothing matters, no one else.

I have lost the will to live,

Simply nothing more to give.

There is nothing more for me,

Need the end to set me free.

-Metallica-Fade to Black

The End

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