Song: "Big Ass Rock," From The Full Monty, Broadway Version

        Buffy took deep breath as she shoved a hose in the exhaust pipe of her mother's jeep. She glanced up at the night sky before packing the rest of the exhaust pipe with bits of cloth, to make sure nothing escaped outside.

        She climbed into her car, and turned the ignition. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the back of the seat, trying not to think. This was the best course of action, she was sure.

        Ever since she had been ripped out of heaven, she had been miserable and she wanted to go back...Slayer duties and everything else be damned. She DESERVED heaven, dammit!

        She coughed as the noxious gas began to seep into the car, and soon it began to choke her. Suddenly the car door was yanked nearly off its hinges, and she opened her eyes blearily. Spike growled as he yanked Buffy out of the car bodily.

        She fell against the hood, her entire body shuddering as she drew in deep, nourishing breaths of clean air, and she started to cough again, trying to control the urge to vomit. She glanced up to see both Spike and Xander glaring at her and she groaned.

        "SLAYER! What in the hell were you doing?!"

        "Yeah, Buff! That couldn't be too safe. What with the hose and the exhaust and the..." Xander glanced at Spike, who was giving him a dirty look, "Oh...wait! Buffy! Were you trying to kill yourself?!"

        "Well....DE-UH!" Buffy snapped, crossing her arms over her chest, "Wasn't it obvious?"

        "I can't believe you," Spike looked insulted, "I mean...you try to kill yourself...by yourself...when there's plenty of people ready and willing to help you!"

        "Huh?"

        "Yeah, Buff," Xander shook his head slightly, "You have to learn to ask for help sometimes."

        "Help...me kill myself?"

        "See? Was that so hard?" Spike grinned at her, then looked around as he started to sing thoughtfully.

        "Let's find a rock..." He glared at Xander who picked up a bunch of gravel, "I mean a big, ass rock! Or maybe something like a cinderblock, is better...I'll hoist it up and drop it on your face, my love."

        Buffy blinked in surprise, staring at Spike like he had grown a second head as he smiled at her all-friendly like as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, still singing.

        "And just before the lights go out, you'll see my smile and you'll know you've got a friend...with a rock...who cares..." Xander handed Spike the gravel and he rolled his eyes, "I mean a big ass rock!"

        Xander scowled as he dropped the gravel and then brightened as he whipped out a length of twine from his pocket, starting to sing as well, sounding happy to help.

        "Or a rope!" He snapped it in his hands, "I got some quality rope! Made for a Slayer who's devoid of hope, like you are, my buddy, Betty!"

        "Um..." Buffy looked at the two men, a little bit frightened, "That's Buffy."

        "Yeah, Buffy, right," Xander corrected in a sotto voice before continuing to sing, "And I will leave you swinging there! Twitching like a fish while you claw the air!" He wrapped an arm around Buffy's shoulders as well, trapping her in a friendly embrace. "I'll grab your feet, and pal of mine, I'll pull real hard and SNAP!" Buffy jumped as he yelled the last word, and he grinned at her, "Your spinal cord..."

        "Um...you guys..."

        "This world is cold when you're alone...and they ignore you," Spike smiled at her as he sang, "But don't kill yourself!" Buffy smiled a tiny bit till Spike added, "We'll do it for you!"

        "You've got a friend!" Both men sang out as Buffy tried to inch away, but they held her tightly between them.

        "You've got a friend!

        "You've got a friend!"

        "Yeeeahh...."

        "Aaaaaaaa....fffrriiiieeennnddd..."

        "You know," Xander said in his normal voice to Spike, "I asked a guy once if he would mind putting me in a barrel and sending me over the falls. Know what the son of a bitch said? Drop dead, asshole."

        "People are pricks," Spike shook his head slightly.

        "I know!"

        "I asked this guy to take his air compressor and drill me with a six-inch nail right through the eye," Spike confided, also in his normal voice.

        "What did he say?" Xander asked as Buffy looked between the two of them, her eyes slightly wide.

        "I'm low on nails."

        "People are selfish pricks."

        Spike nodded in agreement, "Y'know, another time, now get this...I laid down in front of a steam roller and asked the guy to proceed, you know, business as usual and squash me like a bug."

        "It's a good way to go, Spike, the old bug squash."

        "Yeah..."

        "Hey!" Xander glanced at Spike, "We could tie a plastic laundry bag over her head!"

        "Naw, that's such a wimp suicide."

        Buffy frowned slightly before adding her two cents, "I...stuck my finger in a socket once...it hurt real bad..." Spike and Xander stared at her, "But it...didn't kill me..."

        "Buffy," Spike replied, "Stay out of this."

        Buffy smiled as she stepped away from the two men, starting to sing as well. "I've got a friend! Like Carol Keith," She frowned slightly, "Or was it Carly Simon used to sing...I always get those two confused..." Spike and Xander rolled their eyes.

        "But anyway. I've turned around, and suddenly I'm not alone, it ain't just me. I'm like a player on the team!"

        "Player on the team!" Spike and Xander echoed with smiles.

        "I'm part of the gang!"

        "Part of the gang!"

        "A member of the club!"

        "Member of the club!"

        Xander jumped up from the hood suddenly, looking like he had an ephinany, as he continued in his deep, singing voice, "OH! Let's get a club!"

        "I like the big ass rock," Spike replied.

        "Ah!" Xander shook his head, "One good swing and I'll clean her clock, forever!"

        "Let gravity do the work," Spike scoffed.

        "It's a man's way to die, Betty," Xander tried to convince Buffy to his line of thinking.

        "BUFFY!" She corrected, still singing, "I've got friends!"

        "Friends who will love you like a maniac," Spike and Xander sang with huge grins, "And lead you like a lamb to the railroad tracks...and tie you down."

        "I've got friends!"

        "Tickle your wrists with a single edge razor," They agreed, "Or buy you a beer with a Drano chaser! Or dump you in the river with a rock!"

        "A big ass rock!" Buffy reminded them with a huge smile.

        "There's a nice one over here!" Spike started towards a large rock in the driveway, speaking in his normal voice, and Buffy's eyes went slightly wide.

        "Hey," Xander offered, "Can I give you a hand with that? Looks heavy."

        "No, Xand...it ain't heavy..." Spike glanced towards Buffy with adoring eyes as he sang the last line, "She's my friend..."

        "Aww..." Buffy smiled at Spike and Xander, "You guys are the best."

        "Group hug!" Xander and Spike charged Buffy, both of them hugging her tightly, and she started to giggle.

        "Still feel like killing yourself?" Spike asked, and Buffy sighed as she leaned her head against his shoulder.

        "Naw. Disappointed?"

        "Not really," Spike grimaced at the rock in the driveway. "Bleeding thing was a big ass rock. Didn't fancy liftin' it...but for you, luv...I'd do it."

        Buffy snuggled against his side with a small giggle, and the two men grinned widely as they and the Slayer started down the street together.

        "Xander...there aren't any waterfalls in Sunnydale...how could you go down one in a barrel?"

THE END

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